Narcissit? Who me?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Meet and Great!

       
      Sometimes in my day to day I come into contact with people. It is an experience I am not overly excited about. Very often I meet people and think: "Please stop staring at me as you lick that ice cream cone." or even more commonly: "Oh God! They have a tape measure! They are going to measure my skin and make a suit out of me." and much less often: "Kiss me- you damn, sexy, Starbucks employee." The point is I often have reactions out of the realm of the ordinary. I think people hate me, love me, despise me, plan on murdering me/ add me to their will and leave me all their earthly belongings. Reading situations are hard because no matter what you are saying with your eyes, and hands, and mouths, and words, the other person is having a completely private reaction to it within their mind cave. You could be very pleasant and do everything right and say things like: "Pleasure to meet you Mr. Jones, how did your prostate exam go? Any interesting sensations?" and despite the fact that I am talking about him, asking interesting questions about him, and took his chart out of his doctor's office;  for all I know he is thinking terrible things about me.
   
    You just can win them all I guess. But I sure do like to try. You never know who is going to be your next best friend, boss, lover, boss's lover, organ donor, heir-less billionaire, or black market organ buyer that can take all those organs off your hands. People in this crazy world we live in are mysteries. You can't read minds no matter how many internet classes you sign up for using your mom's credit cards, or how many spells you cast alone on a Friday night, the territory of another's mind is like a locked box, in a safe, in a bigger safe, on a spaceship, guarded on by Imperial Storm troopers, under an invisibility clock. Which is to say, tricky- but not impossible. For every lock their is a key, and for every mind there are hidden signals or a surprising amount of publicly accessible tax information that, if not directly answering your questions, at least gives you an idea of their land holdings -which is really what matters anyway.

Hidden signals which can tell you if your first encounter with someone is successful or not, are subtle and often hard to spot. Did, for instance, the person make direct eye contact? Did they mirror your physical mannerisms? Did they perhaps offer you cash? If so, what for? If not, was their cash easily accessible to you? If so, was it a large amount? If so, how much? Did you and this person become intimate? How many times? If the answers to these questions are yes, yes, yes, top-front, yes, > $50, yes, many times; then you can consider it a perfect encounter. If not, you are a horrible troll and should probably go stumbling back under your bridge and polish your rat skulls and never come out again, cause you can't be helped- even by an expert as smart as me.

What makes meeting new people so much fun is the fact that you get to talk about your self a lot. Being a narcissist, I like this part best because unlike all the other yahoos I hang around with, with their "We've heard it a thousand times before's!" and their "kill me now's!" and "Dear God, Shut Up's!" everything I say is sparkly and new. When you make a new friend or meet a new person, or share a bus seat with someone, or are caught going through another person's banking information, these are opportunities to become a new person. You could be smart, or dumb, or rich, or poor, or crazy or sane and they would never know the difference. Reinvention is just as good as rehabilitation, as the the old married couple that lives in my furnace always says! (Oops! I'm not supposed to talk about them!)


Truthfully, even though I come across as a know-it-all- underneath all the bravado, and incredible talent and amazing sense of humor, I haven't successfully met a lot of new people. Which is to say I haven't met a lot of people in my adult life who became more than acquaintances. Some very good ones, but not a lot. I did make this one friend, and describing her as so is like walking into heaven and hearing Thelma refer to Louise as "some lady I took a road trip with" which is so say I am quite fond of her. Being not a breakfast person, and having very little tolerance for myself, I was confused, when she brought up the fact that I "NEED" to write a post so she can read something while she eats. So because she brought it up, and because we have the type of relationship that when she says "Jump!" and I say "Like this? Did I do good?" until she pats my head and gives me a cookie, I did it.

SO- YOU'RE WELCOME!!

1 comment:

Jess said...

I just died and went to heaven.

Thank you, thank you! xoxox