Going for jaunt down the one way, no return access, easily missable, and sparsely populated road map that is the human heart, can lead to various (and/or limited/ fictional) romantic entanglements which can prove to be tricky business. Thankfully I, in my ceaseless generosity and poor judgement, am here to help. True, my foray's into direct human to human contact has not always been as cut and dry as I so wordily described in this introduction, but I like to think that I have been able to glean some important insight, which I can now share with you, my readers (ie. a handful of non-alienated friends/ random internet porn-based spybots) to help you with that crazy little thing called love.
It's about finding a special face in the crowd. It is important to find an ideal candidate. What this typically involves is a lot of room-scanning in public. In social settings such as parties, bars, or emergency room waiting areas try and find the most symmetrical (and therefore most attractive, as TIME Magazine suggests) face and make swift and fleeting eye contact with them over an inordinate amount of time. Keep your face blank and expressionless, less the person actually label you as interested. Make your glances seem as if you've just heard a sound and act alert, or play it off as if you're blind and the whole direct eye-contact is merely coincidental. Also keep your distance. Nothing drives the unsuspecting object of your affections crazy/ completely indifferent like the length of two football fields between you. Sure, you might have the desire or inkling to close the gap, and actually see them in living detail as apposed to a blurry mirage-like image but rest assured they will come to you. Probably because you are located near the exit/ closest possible garbage can/ sitting on their coat, but use it to your advantage. Become really sketchy and sweaty and shift in your seat as much as possible. The movement and glare from your glistening forehead will attract their attention, and once you've done that you're golden!
It's all about the witty banter: What I like to to do, in conversations with the possibility of a romantic liaison is to jump right to the un-interesting/disturbing/unattractive/unflattering conversations that completely desexualize you and paint you as an unsuitable romantic partner. Talk about your debt, your feet, and how lazy you are. Mention that you might have a limited grasp on reality, and how your are very unmotivated. If it comes naturally (or even if you have to force it) bring up how blatantly unattractive you are. Point out various qualities (such as a twitchy eye, a protruding belly, or rash) and force the person you are interested in to agree that you are horribly disfigured and strictly a platonic acquaintance. This sort of witty repartee lets them know how humble, confident, and at ease you are with your personal appearance and social standing. And as we all know, once they don't want you, you have them right where you want them. At the complete centre of every thought, conversation, and moment of your time.
When in doubt obsess, obsess, obsess! Because you have played your hand so shrewdly, you have no doubt dispelled (or effectively castrated) any attraction your potential (in a strictly delusional sense) mate may have felt for you. This makes them unbelievably, and inexplicably more attractive to you. To the point you want to carve their name into your upper-thigh with a thumb tack during math class. Which is the goal! Congrats! Now, all you have to do is wait online (MSN, in my day) and wait for them to log in. Then count down the seconds/minutes/ or hours until they begin a conversation with you. DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT! That is a rookie mistake. You must play hard to get and vice versa completely available. When they begin a conversation wait approximately 45 seconds to respond (just to make them stew) then unleash the unbridled fury of your attention. Say every word or phrase that you have pre-written within the 24 to 48 hours since your last conversation. This ebb and flow mechanism will no doubt send your potential love interest into state of euphoria/ terror/ and again, complete indifference. Once you have gathered written correspondence it is vital to analyze it from a very skewed and dark place. Read into it all sorts of hidden signals, meanings, and references. Draw wide sweeping conclusions from misspelled words or phrases (Their palms are probably just as covered in hormonally induced sweat as yours, so that's why they slipped on the keys! OMG!) and remember to believe everything you have concocted with an unshakable certainty. Become immersed in mythical or magical extensions of your love, because trust me; it's way cool.
Use (your frustration) in a good way! Because of the "will they/won't they" nature of your romantic life (a real life occurrence that has fueled a thousand sitcoms) you will have a degree of restless energy with seemingly no hope of release. This pent up romantic/sexual energy can make you want to do crazy things; for starters: act on it. This is hardly ever advised, used only as a last ditch effort when absolutely necessary. The only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting what you want. Remember, when it comes to gratification there are three rules: delay, delay, delay. Use your energy (you'll have a lot of it) in other, more rewarding, ways. Tire yourself out by screaming into you pillow or crying yourself into exhaustion. Or try frequent and fervent masturbation. Take up a hobby. Make paper appear to be very old for no apparent reason. Or start a blog! The possibilities are endless!
When it comes to romance the roadways are hard to navigate unless you have a map to guide you. This is no such map. I have no idea what I am talking about!!! I'm so lonely!!!