Narcissit? Who me?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Unsolicited

Sometimes, I meet people (Other times I merely vegetable them. Ha!) and each and every time I make an acquaintance they always make their way to asking me questions. Some are, all “Why are you following me?” or “Excuse me, what are you doing with my wallet?” But other times they merely want to pick my brain for advise, expertise, and the meaning of life. While I don’t usually have all these answers I can usually just make some stuff up, or tell them they’re pretty. But today I have taken the time to jot down a few of the most common questions and my answers for our mutual benefit (people pay to read blogs, right?) \

Here goes:


What is the secret to a happy home life?

I have given this question a great amount of thought. Usually my thinking on this subject has occurred halfway through a bottle of wine, in the dark, with tears running down my face, and fists waving furiously at the heavens. Occasionally I just black out, but last night over time I have gained perspective and can now give you, dear readers, what it is you want: the answer. And that answer is: MONEY.  Yes, it is what makes the world go round, and it is the root of all evil and unhappiness but it is also the secret to a happy life. Having money gives you so much joy. So therefore I advise you to have a lot of it. Great big heaps of it. It can buy you so many pretty things and you can roll around in it and that seems like a lot of fun. As I always say- if it’s good enough for Scrooge McDuck, it’s good enough for me! Secondly, and I am going to quote a gal that knew a lot about money and unhappiness and say “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you a more luxurious misery” –Diana, Princess of Wales. You see, even she: a sweet gal thrust into the spot light, married to possibly the ugliest man on earth, knew that it was easier to put a smile on your face in the back of a limousine, or in a palace surrounded servants than to be, you know, not in the back of a limousine or in a palace surrounded by servants.

I guess the other secret to a happy home life is to have a healthy and active sex life. It’s hard not to smile when you’re having sex. Or rather, it is hard not to make really weird faces when having sex, but you know what I am trying to say. To really double your pleasure and make your home the happiest try doing it in on that big pile of money I recommended getting. Or might I suggest doing “it” for money. However, this might not be the soundest advice. I have been watching a little too much Secret Diary of a Call Girl and may have lost touch with reality, morality, and my time.


How can I get the maximum return on my taxes?

There are three easy steps to do so, and they are as follows:


1.)  Keep your yearly income below the poverty line
2.) Do not fully understand the tax forms you fill out when starting a new job; and
3.) Pass everything along to your parents. They love you (or should) and just like when you were three, they won’t let anything bad happen.

I put a pair of socks into the dryer but only one comes out. Where do those missing socks go?

Okay, first of all do the world a favor and dry more than one pair of socks at a time. You can easily squeeze in another pair, and the polar bears will thank you like this: “RRRRWARRRW!!”
Which, as we all know, means “My most heartfelt thank you” in polar bear.

Secondly the missing socks all go to a land called Sock-ville. There they run little stores that sell lint, and buttons and they all live in a happy socky bliss. They aren’t stuck in arbitrary pairs, and are free to love whomever they choose. There are no forced marriages in Sock-ville and therefore divorce rates there are only around 34%. It is a magical place. If you crawl into the dryer and bend a coat hanger in just the right angle to turn the dial and shut the door, chances are you’ll be whisked away to Sock-ville to be reunited will all your old friends. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Yeah, well it’s all made up. If you’re missing socks all the time, the real reason is that a maniacal lock-picker with a foot fetish has gained entry into your home and is stealing you socks for his perverted “goings on.” He only takes one because he is both maniacal and brilliant and doesn’t want to reveal himself until a time of his choosing. I would recommend that you move away, or go barefoot. Spring has sprung!


Now, I hope that my completely unsolicited advise has calmed your fervent desire to harass me with all matter of useless and dreary problems related to your life. It may have also convinced you that I am in no way qualified to dispense any sort of advise or opinions and should probably be seeing a professional to deal with my apparent “mental health issues.” Either way, we can all get back to what is really important: talking about me! 

1 comment:

ArgyleCity said...

Dear Daniel Dalman. Please write a book. Your words are charming and entertaing. You might just be the next David Sedaris. You just have to take up smoking.

Regards,

A Fan