Narcissit? Who me?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What's Holding me Back

There is a quote from a writer I really like that I heard from another author I really like that said something like "Ridicule should never be used as a sword, only a shield." And I have a really hard time both understanding and following that advice. I think that it means is you should only make fun of others to deflect it from yourself, or perhaps that you shouldn't be horribly cruel when you're writing about people you know. Or maybe I am supposed to. If I had a clearer understanding of this quote maybe I would have an easier time coming up with ideas for this blog. Then again, maybe not.

I did read in a book that i not forget the title of that when people are making a decision about you it matters what kind of words your using. If, perhaps, you are talking about a friend and complain that they are vain and judgmental the brain of the listener will automatically associate those qualities with you. They'll think you are vain and judgmental. And ever since I've read that I can hardly spit out a word that might cause someone to think something negative about me. And yes, I know, writing stuff of the internet is hardly a good idea if you are going to be that sensitive, but I can't help myself.

Confidence is not something I've got a really good handle on. My childhood, the tone of my voice, and the genetic need to please people has not given me a lot of resolve when it comes to matter of self. I like myself, don't get me wrong but when it comes to people judging me my skin crawls. I lose all confidence in myself, my likes, my haircut. And it's just not on this blog, it's when I'm in a room full of people, on the bus, in a store, or with family. Suddenly the confidence I feel when alone vanishes. With the appearance of other people my self worth plummets and second guessing becomes first in my mind.

So no wonder I feel more comfortable in swaths of fleece alone, than around people. I should probably work on this.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are an awesome person and as Pink would say "you're fucking perfect".