Narcissit? Who me?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Signs I'm Slightly Swaying...

The Grinch wanted to steal Christmas. Clark Grizwald had his lights. George Bailey wished he had never been born, and witnessed the consequences. I, although less famous, also have a holiday mandate: to fix my life. But how do I go about doing so? Do I try a better myself with education or spiritual teachings? Do I consult wise and happy people? Do I sign up for some much needed therapy to deal with my issues? In a word: No. Instead, I throw myself, half-assed, into following the themes and messages of my favorite holiday movies. Worse yet, I don't even stick to the classics mentioned above. Screw the teachings of Jimmy Stewart, I want to hear what Shannon Doherty has to say. Is it sane? Absolutely not. Is it working? Maybe..

The Advancement of my Goal.

There comes a time in every story, no matter how skewed or misrepresented it is, a plot must be advanced. And the time has come for my story to do so. Truthfully, I thought if I followed this crazy thought process through for a week, I would either be in a nut house, or be living a completely transformed life. But you can't control everything, and even though it is hard to spot it in reality, in some ways my cause (to fix my life) has been advanced. You just have too look really really hard.

I think what has attracted me to this project, other than the opportunity to talk about myself, was how passive the lead characters in holiday movies are. They are often the victim of circumstance, the subject of fate, or the target of holiday magic. Not often does the lead character know what is missing in their life, or how their life could be changed for the better, yet -POOF- an angel or Santa Claus appears and sets them on a path of self-betterment and fulfillment. Me, an avid fan of these programs, sees this, with a mind so very malleable, as a viable option to in life achievement. All of these posts are soliciting the universe to Bring it ON! Letting the powers that be know that I am ready to go, ready to interpret any signs, and ready to learn. Stuff it takes Melissa Gilbert a half hour to admit to on Lifetime. But the Universe has responded with a resounding -SILENCE.

Yep. While I can claim the interventions of a Christmas Angel for bringing me cheer, and I can plan the impulsivity of a haircut, the results of my work is disappointing. While I can montage the crap out of my day, the real advancement of my cause has been slim to none. Is my life fixed because I put up a tree and recognized the parallels between my life and Eve's Christmas? Have I grown or progressed any further because my nights are spent IMDB-ing the stars of the early 90s? I don't think so.

So my enthusiasm is slightly swaying. I am not sure if I am going to gain much from this experiment other than a few entries on a blog that maybe ten people read, and a detailed knowledge of the work of Mario Lopez. Feeling like this, I ask myself: Should I give up?

NO! Don't you see? This is the advancement of my cause! My doubts and insecurities connected to my ultimate goal are boiling over. The characters in made for TV movies always have these moments. The moments where they want to wake up from the dream, go back to the future, or retreat to their everyday lives. Me, wanting to return to living the life of an average person, one not featured on a cable channel special, shows that I am proceeding. The fact that my enthusiasm is failing is a sign that I am on the right track.

"It's too hard! I can't do it!" I will say to my spirit guide (who appears invisible to everyone but me)

"You can't turn back now" She'll say. "You have to move forward."

"Okay, Whoopi Goldberg. If you say so..."

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