There are some things that you have to understand, as you grow older. First there is no excuse for not being able to tell time on a clock with hands, and secondly you have to learn how to sell yourself. Sure, your tendency for self-deprecating humor took you places when you were a teenager. Sure you dodged a couple of bullets, pointing out your flaws before others could, but that ship has sailed. Not only does your proclivity to tell all you insecurities to everyone around you make you unbearable to be around, but it can also rear it’s ugly head in situations less opportune. Say, like a meeting with an influential person you’d like to work for. Hypothetically, of coarse.
The first area you should explore when trying to sell yourself to the rest of the human race, as something other than a large pile of crap, is to take pride in your appearance. Sure, it would make sense to walk around all day only wearing one outfit, but respect, and eye contact is hard to gain if you walk around all the time wearing a snuggie and sweatpants two sizes too big. But don’t go too far in the reverse direction. It is also disconcerting if one walks around in a top hat and tails for every occasion. So it is important to find a middle ground. Wear clean, well-pressed, tailored clothing of the appropriate size if you are trying to sell yourself. It makes you look like a functioning human being, blending you in with all the other functioning human beings and not labeling you a giant freak show. Take note that it is only necessary to follow these rules if you are in the process of selling yourself. If, for some reason, you don’t leave the apartment for many days, you don’t have to wear appropriate clothing. You can wear any number of outfits, like those mentioned above, or any other conceivable combination of articles of clothing. Anything that tickles your fancy goes. As it is often said that clothes make the man, which to me sounds like some sort of scary made-of-clothes monster, and not a man, there is truth to it. The proper attire can say volumes of who you are, and most importantly how much money you have.
In selling yourself it is important to be able to brand yourself. No, don’t wear only brand name labels, affixed to every item on your person. No, I am not talking about incorporating yourself either. What I suggest is that you find yourself a little niche, and then exploit the absolute shit out of it. As I have with rambling incoherently about my many problems, successfully cornering the market in unreadable, drivel, and “everything that is wrong with Internet self-publishing.” I have created a brand for myself. When people see the name “Confessions of a Narcissist” not only do they realize they’re on the wrong website, but they understand that I write these words. My blog is my brand. I’ve tied my self/actual worth to something (figuratively) tangible. And you can too!
Next, what I suggest is pointing out your good qualities, and hiding the bad. Sure, it might be truthful to walk into a room and announce, “I’m LAZY!” to everyone within earshot, but it is not, perhaps, the most effective way to gain others’ confidence. Instead maybe highlight what it is you do well. Like creating puns, and sitting for long periods of time with little need for mental stimulation. If you happen to be trying to break your way into the comatose-like-shut-ins gambit, this might be your ticket! If you like talking, highlight your “communication” skills. If you have a drug problem, present it in your favor as an example of your “resourcefulness.” No need to reveal every detail of yourself to potential employers, warts and all; they aren’t your parole officer. Plus, secrets are fun!
Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. Maybe people have been telling you this since you were branded the “weird kid” in your figure skating class, and maybe you haven’t been getting a lot of traction in that area, but when selling yourself, it’s paramount. Speak up, voice your opinions, and take control of the situations. Not advice to listen to in a hostage situation, but if you are trying to find employment, or advance your social status, it is a recipe for success.
Next, be memorable! Make sure that when you leave a room, people remember you! Don’t just fade into the background, and not be noticed. Going unnoticed sure helps you out when stalking your crushes, but if you are trying to get anywhere, being in the forefront of peoples minds is a plus. Sure, some may try the old “backless suit” routine, but in a classier setting, it is safer to stick to being pleasant, positive, and energetic. If that doesn’t work you can also light something on fire. Fire is hard to forget.
And there you have it. If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, not only do you have to stop wearing a digital watch, you also should try and sell yourself.
* this entry does not promote of condone the processes of human trafficking, or prostitution.