Narcissit? Who me?

Monday, January 18, 2010


So a tiny part of my new years resolution was to try new things. Well specifically it was to go somewhere I've never been before (ie. Pretty much anywhere) So I am taking it pretty serious, or at least I have been for the last few days. Before that I was pretty much just getting settled into the new year and acting, as always, like a reclusive hermit. But after trip planning, and consultation I feel once again revived and ready to once more to commit to my practice of being places I have never been. This has led to me a tanning salon.

I had never been to a tanning salon before today. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess I was expecting a lot more mean people and, I'm embarrassed to say, a more communal type of place. Honestly. I didn't know that everyone got a private room and music selection. Okay, maybe the word I am looking for is not communal but I was expecting having to get undressed in front of someone and lay there as they sealed me into a well lit coffin for as much time as they deemed necessary. But, as it turns out, that is just a figment of my overactive, and uneducated imagination. The room was nothing like I had ever experienced. It had a candle burning and a nice mirrored wall and dim lighting. It was nice. I didn't approve of the unattended candle, because that was another one of my new years resolutions, so I blew it out, but it gave off a nice aroma none the less.

The nice (and might I say very bronzed) front desk girl led me into the nice room and talked me into buying some sort of lotion that makes your skin feel like heaven (I also smell delicious) and told me that the machine gave me five minutes to undress and then get into before it started. "Damn" I thought to myself, " I don't know if I'll have enough time!" In fact she was hardly out of the room before I was kicking my pants off and rubbing myself with lotion (Wow, that sounds really dirty but I'm not changing it) So appropriately slick and strapped into my little goggles (I was in a panic getting them on and adjusting the strap I think I let out a little yelp when the elastic undid itself on one side and I had to quickly fixed it) I hopped into the machine and lowered the coffin lid. Surely, I thought, any second it was going to begin the process of giving me a natural, healthy glow.

It didn't.

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited. I considered for a split second, that the machine was actually on and my goggles were so dark I couldn't see the light, but I thought no, that's silly. Finally I leaned my head up to the small screen at the very top of the bed and saw that, there was something flashing on the little screen. I was a little hesitant to remove my goggles to see what it said because I was sure in that instant that the machine would come to life and give me instant and irreversable retina damage, blinding me for life. But again, that's silly.

It was a small, blinking 4. min.

I still had four minutes before the tanning bed was going to turn on! And although she showed me where the little button was to start the machine, I was so worried that during the instruction she was going to sell me a $10,000 tanning bed, I just nodded along and neglected to pay attention to anything else she said. Specifically what all the little buttons do.

So I had a little nap. But trust me when when you are laying, exposed in one of those little beds, having yourself a little post work snooze, and the fan starts up and scares the living be-jesus out of you, you are going to sit up really quickly and hit your face on the lid of the machine.

Turn out those fans are real loud! But soothing once you get used to them. Also it is really nice in those tanning beds. It is all warm and breezy, and best of all you can't feel bad for just laying there thinking your own little thoughts because there is nothing else you can actually do but lay there and think your little thoughts. It was relaxing. I liked it. Too bad it was only like five minutes because I kinda wanted to stay in there all afternoon but I couldn't because they shut the machine off and I was getting chilly just laying there.

But I am still on the white end of the human skin color spectrum so I booked another appointment for tomorrow where hopefully I will be a little more educated on how exactly this whole tanning thing works.

1 comment:

S said...