Narcissit? Who me?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I think there comes a point in everyone’s life when there is a big change in the friendships that you have. From that first moment on the playground when you are choosing which ninja turtle you are going to be, to when they are gathered around your grave saying their goodbyes, later in that day. Friendships change, and grow, and in some cases end. Some because they try to bury you alive, others just because. The point is, and this might be the very first one I have ever made (which I know you are all thinking that it is about time!) is that friendships, no matter their type, duration, and meaning are very important.

I know this to be a fact. I am at a point in my life where my friends are probably the second most important thing in my life (the first is always how many cookies I have in relation to other people. Oh… and uh.. family too) Now a couple of years ago, I did probably the most unthinkable thing that a young person can do today. No, I didn’t make a bomb out of a hairspray can, and stick it in a bully’s gas tank (Who told you anyways?) I held on to my friends from high school. I didn’t think this was such an uncommon thing. They are my very dear friends, all of whom, I got along famously with, and after the move from our small town, to the slightly larger big city, we stuck together. I am always astounded that so many people stop being friends after high school. I mean, if it wasn’t going to last, then why did you waste so much time with them? Now, maybe I am just lucky that I got to hold on to them for longer. But there is something that everyone, I think, must go through. It is called moving on with life. And it comes at various times, although the ends of high school, university, or stay in a correctional institution are the most common times. It is tricky stage of transition: People moving away, people moving in, and scariest of all, people changing. All of these things affect friendships. Some survive and some don’t. That is the sad part of this chapter, and since I am not going to make anyone feel too sad (this is a funny book) I am going to turn this chapter around.

So, okay, you have gone through the whole friendship transition thing, you lost a few, some have drifted, some have sailed back in, but the point is, everyone survived. At least I hope so, if not, then I am glad we never met. Anyways, now comes the fun part, recruitment!

When the transitional stage in life referred to as “moving on with it” or “Getting out of this dysfunctional relationship!” comes along, there always seems to be an opening for a new friend or two. This is an exciting time, full of new prospects. You could entice anyone into being your friend. New people, more exciting people, better looking people, people who will make you forget all about those old, boring, unattractive friends that moved to different place for ‘jobs’ or ‘love’. Anyways, as you might have guessed I am going through a little bit of friend recruitment myself, and therefore feel qualified to give you advice.

When looking for a new friend it is always best to look your best. After all, the coolest people judge you by how you look, so take a spa day and get rejuvenated! Max out your credit card (or better yet a stranger’s!) and buy a whole new wardrobe. Nothing attracts quality people like natural fibers!

Next it might be easier to fill the noticeable gap in your friendship catalogue if you categorize all your existing friends into easily identifiable stereotypes. I find that you can use characters from old sitcoms to classify your friends in a speedy manner. Whether you have a Ted from the Mary Tyler Moore show, to any one of the friends from “Friends” this type of classification works well. Also note that you can switch up characters from your favorite television shows, as long as you just pick the best ones. That is what I did. I have a Norm, a Phoebe, a Mary, and a Niles. They all work perfectly together. Try it today! This is one the fastest steps towards figuring out what kind of friend you need. If you already have a loud-mouth drunk, no need searching bars at around closing time. This narrows search patterns, and saves you time, so you can work on your tan. (Tan people make better friends)

Okay, so you’ve figured out what type of friend you need, and thanks to all your hard work, and someone else’s Visa, you will have no problem attracting them to be your friend. The only thing to worry about now is your personality.

Now, you and I know each other, we’re super cool people. But how does one easily convey this to new potential friends? Don’t worry I am here to help. The most important part when making a new friend is mastering the art of sparkling conversation. Topics that involve opinions can be hazardous when making new friends. Who knows, they might actually have opinions and expect you to have them. Lets those come out later, once you have some dirt on them, and they can’t stop being your friend. A trick I use for instant sparkling conversation is to speak only in clichés. It is funny, makes you appear smart, and brings up no heavy subject matter. Best of all they can’t argue with you about them because they aren’t your thoughts! Also if you run out of clichés talk about fuzzy animals. People all seem to have the same opinion on fuzzy animals. They are cute, fuzzy, and loveable. If they disagree, maybe it is best that you aren’t friends with them.

Now, it is important when making new friends, that those who you are recruiting aren’t using the same tricks that you are using to get them to be your friend. After all nobody likes a phony. Although maybe they learnt these tricks in this book, in which case they are super cool, and best of all you can talk about me the whole time!

Okay, so lets say you have selected a target that fits both your sitcom catalogue of friends, and your standards on witty conversation. They, in turn, have accepted you as a friend, and have begun to take the necessary steps that they need to take on their side of the friendship. These steps should be inviting you place, buying you things, and telling you a secret. You’re friends. Congratulations!

The only thing you have to worry about is maybe they aren’t the catch you thought they were. Friendships are hard. One can never know whether a not a friendship will last. They keep you in suspense for a long time. The question that arises with a new friend, maybe after you have been friends for a while, hanging out a lot, and laughing a bunch, is maybe you are starting to wonder why they are your friend. Why don’t they have other friends? What happened to all their friends before you came along? Are they buried in the basement? Hopefully, none of this is true. They probably have a bunch of other friends, you just happen to be the coolest.

Either way you’ve made a new friend that you can stroll past your old friends with, and no matter what kind of person you ended up with you at least learnt something along the way. Even if you learnt that no matter what, friendships are important.


Jenn said...

Who's the Niles?

ashton said...

which chARACTER AM I!! oops caps lock