Note: I wrote this a long time ago, and ever since I have been unable to achieve the same level of brilliance/ insanity.
The story of the Easter Alligator
A stream of consciousness by Daniel R. Dalman
So instead of trying to study for stupid old chem, I have decided to write you a letter, an Internet letter! oooooh! fancy! I know I am on the cutting edge of techknowology! or however you spell it! So today my brother had a baby! Not him, but his wife. It is half his baby. If babies could be divided in half, or whatever, but they have a baby! And her name is April! Ahhh... April is my favourite month! That is because my birthday is in that month! I bet you knew that, but also that is when the Easter bunny comes hopping down the trail and gives us chocolate
and hides eggs all over the house! One time my cousin said that he saw the Easter Bunny, and his girlfriend! But I think he was just lying or having some weird trip, because he said that the Easter Bunny was all these crazy colours and that him and his girlfriend were all makin’ out and stuff! He was a sad child. I mean, really, who comes up with stuff like that! I mean the Easter Bunny is white, and he so would not bring his girlfriend with him! I mean, he doesn’t like to mix business with pleasure! I mean he is the Easter Bunny — he has got to keep the professionalism at the max, because what if he was caught doing that stuff. He would be fired! And
the head honchos down at the holiday headquarters would be all like, "I don’t think rabbits are right for the job!"and so they would hire, like, an alligator! "Hey kids! Here comes Quakim the Easter Alligator, Watch him slide on his smooth underbelly to all the houses in town. And Hey, too bad that on the way inland, he was picked up by a fashion designer and made into a handbag!" I mean that would just happen a lot! I mean like you would always be working with a rookie! I mean, you could never catch a rabbit! They are fast! And they, like, hop! And blend into the background really well! Well, except if it is like summer and you are some white rabbit that
hasn’t changed colour yet, but still, they are fast! So it doesn’t matter! And I mean, come on, I think we should stop judging rabbits by the colour of their fur! I mean I would like to see brown easter bunny! He could probably do just the same as the white bunny! But what I don’t want to see is some stupid Easter alligator. Hey, you know what should be like a holiday that we should get a day off for? Halloween! I mean that is just unfair! You know why I think we don’t get a holiday? Because Halloween doesn’t have like a spokesperson, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, St. Patrick, Cupid! Like we represent Halloween with witches and vampires, but why isn’t there
a specific one! I’ll tell you. The head honchos down at their holiday place just want to give out candy and send the damn kids to school! So you are all still covered in face paint, and got chocolate all smeared across your face, and then they get you to, like, write a test, and you’re all still jacked up. So on like your math test, you write the words to Jingle Bells all over your paper, hand it in saying "Surf’s up!" as you put it on the teacher’s desk, so she acts all bewildered and then you walk on your hands to the back of the room and put on the teacher’s coat, then
get into an imaginary car and run around the room making car noises! Finally, the teacher wrestles you to the ground, but she can’t stop you from singing a mishmash of all the Beach Boys songs at the top of your lungs until your parents come to get you! So the reason we don’t get a holiday is because your parents have to come and pick you up using gas! And Halloween is owned by a gas company and they want to use more gas! This is why! But you would think that the head honchos at holiday headquarters would come up with a better plan, but let us
think — the holidays are run by an old baby in a diaper, a bunny who is just plain tricky (I mean, how does he get into the house?), a thousand-year-old pipe-smoking, cookie-eating cat burglar, who leaves the stuff he stole from someone else’s house at your place, and a drunk Irish man who thought he could see little green men! And that is why April is my favourite month!
Thank you, and good night!